Letters of Joy and Sadness

It has been a while since my last post. We braved the waters of the Atlantic Ocean on the tiniest international airplane I've ever been and arrived back on US soil on June 10th - almost three months and counting today.

We have the last 90 days adjusted back to US life in a sense. It seems so ironic that an adjustment back to your native culture would seem so odd. I have lived my life in the US for the first 26 years, but after just 2 years away in Spain, things are so hard to get back used to. I miss the ability to walk across my town on a sunny afternoon, walk to the grocery with carrito in hand, and catch a bus and train into Madrid at the spur of the moment.

We knew the people aspect of our transition would be the hardest. Just like leaving family and friends two years ago was difficult - the feeling we had in leaving Spain to come back was harder somehow. My heart has this indescribable hole. I dream of our "kids" often - just living our normal activities with them. Facebook is a blessing, yet a curse I find. All the back-to-school activities and photos brought more pain to my heart as I know exactly what's happening and yearn to be a part of it, but know it's not possible now.

We received two cherished letters filled with handwritten notes from students and staff from their first day of school last week. Our dear friend, Stephanie, mailed them to us, and it's been a while since we've received such a treasured piece of mail. Each student that wrote a note I shed a tear for - how was their summer? what classes do they have 1st period? how did opening chapel go? how are they doing today? Simple questions that I wish I could ask them face-to-face and see their expressions but this year I can't.

I feel I'm forever lately asking God the question, "Why?" Why do we have to be away? Why does this have to take so long? Why are we so far away from friends, co-workers, and our students?

And honestly I don't (and won't) know the answers to these questions at this point in time nor, possibly, on this side of eternity, but I do trust God and his plan, and know that someday (and we pray soon) we will be back at ECA, serving the students and staff as long as God desires.

The Other Side

We are now day 10 into our arrival back to the States.

We have an wonderful apartment that seems gigantic compared to our Spanish piso even though here it's only a 1 bedroom. Our town, while pretty in one sense, doesn't even measure close to the beauty of the plateaus that once were gracing the Spanish skyline we viewed daily.

I go outside our apartment and no courtyard awaits me with eager kids greeting me in their second language (my first), rollerblading, and rushing toward Carson with squealing delight.

I can't walk to the nearest grocery store anymore. I must get in my car and drive the ten minutes journey down the road. Grocery stores as well are completely overwhelming. Sometimes I am thrilled at the plentiful options of healthy foods but all the while wondering how fresh and how many preservatives are hidden behind my purchases.

I dream about our Spanish lives each night. My students are vivid in my dreams, and I wake up with a brief smile that they are still so crystal clear in my memories but am quickly saddened as I realize how far away I am from them.

I love our family time. Seeing my sister frequently, texting my family members, spending time with my niece and nephew, brother-in-laws & sister-in-laws, parents & grandparents. If I only I could transplant the people here to our home there...

My heart is not the same now. It has been remolded by our ministry and love for Spain. Being here, I see how truly incomplete I feel and have even more conformation that Spain is God's desire for us for the future.

I must look at this time as a platform of transition, one ordained by God to enable to be better servants to Spaniards in the future. At this moment, I don't understand this hiatus. Why do we have to do this? But I trust our ever-knowing, ever-loving Heavenly Father and know that one day we will understand this season and rejoice in it.

Am I Ready?

Am I ready for what will take place in 18 days?


Am I ready for packing up 2 years worth of things (and a dog!) in 7 suitcases?


Am I ready to say goodbye to my fellow staff at ECA?


Am I ready to tell my Seniors goodbye as they head off to college?


Am I ready to say goodbye to all the students at ECA that we may never see again?


Am I ready to say goodbye to my neighbors and their kids?


Am I ready to go back to the US and try to explain what the Lord has blessed us with the last two years?


Am I ready to leave our home in Alcala?


Am I ready to not be able to shop at Mercadona or Carrefour and do a happy dance when you find American products?


Am I ready to go back to our "old life" in the States?


Am I ready to begin deputation again?


Am I ready to go through another culture shock?


Am I ready to see friends that we haven't seen in 2 years?


Am I ready to see my family in the States?


Am I ready to rejoin my co-workers in the States?


Am I ready?


Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

reflections

**Warning**: this will be a sad post!

I woke up this morning to a dream about my nearby hometown neighborhood. In my dream, my family was taking a Sunday stroll, and Adam and I were gasping at how different everything was since we had to returned back to the States from Spain. (In my dream, it was pretty bazaar...the neighborhood had erected gigantic statutes of jungle animals throughout the cul-de-sac with the HOA fees...where I come up with these things I do not know :)) I usually have silly dreams, but I woke up from this one sad. Subconsciously, I am having a hard time wrapping around my brain about transitioning and moving back to the US. Don't get me wrong - we are excited about returning to the US, once again close to our families. I am thrilled, as well, to be going back to my old job with my former co-workers! But deep down, I am so sad to transition away from here.

6 full-time staff will be transitioning away with us and that, I think, makes it even harder for me, along with all the ECA kids that will be graduating or graduated when we return to Spain. Adam and I and three other full-time staff were chaperones for an honor roll field trip this past Wednesday at a theme park outside of Madrid. As we were driving home, we, staff, were chatting away about the days activities, enjoying each other's company, and singing to the radio, and in those moment I started to tear up. Maybe because I'm a softie, but because, these are the friends and memories that we have had the blessing to have over the past two years, and it just makes me so sad to leave.

Serving on the mission field is very difficult on many fronts. Almost always you have to adjust to a completely different culture, learn a different language, and are far away from blood relatives. But the part that affects many even more is the constant saying goodbye and transition that is endured. In light of eternity, small singing to the radio memories don't really matter, but God did give us a love for people here on earth, so transitions are naturally difficult for us to handle emotionally.

The next 5 weeks that remain here in Spain will be a whirlwind of activity. I am dreading/happy about it because it will fill our days with great memories, but I am afraid that all will whisk by, and I will return back to the US still grasping at the transition that just took place. I pray God will give me strength and peace in all that will come. Because only He can help me with all the change that is to come.

I was talking with a Spanish lady last night at a Mother/Daughter banquet at our church and she asked me quite bluntly, "Why come here from the US and leave all your family behind?"

  "To serve," I replied.

That has been THE greatest joy here. And while it brings tears to my eyes as I skype with my family to see how my nieces and nephews have grown exponentially the last two years while we've been away, God has really blessed us to be here and serve our neighbors, community, and the students at ECA. Being called to serve is difficult but the eternal rewards, truly, are even more worth it.

the call to come

Throughout our lives, God has been orchestrating and preparing us for the path that lies in front of us. As Adam and I are slowly closing in on 30 years old, we can look behind us and see a glimpse of the path. For me, it is a path with many curves and intersections. Since I was 10 years old, I wanted to become an accountant. Numbers and financial data were things that I loved and I wanted to spend my life doing just that. My parents never had to push me to do my best - I knew internally that is what I had to do. I never wanted to disappoint people, and when I did, I vowed to make a mental note and not repeat it again. This desire kept me accountable on one hand, but on the other, debilitated me in a sense. I, like any other "American", desired the husband, family, closeness of other family members, and success in a career - who doesn't? And trust me, I had my career plan mapped out: UNC-Chapel Hill for Business School, UNC-Chapel Hill for my Masters in Accounting, CPA exam, Big 4 firm, husband, kids, etc. etc. But God, who knows me intimately, created me, and gave me the passion for finances had a bigger plan....I didn't get into to UNC's one year Masters in Accounting program, and I slowly began to crumble. My plan!?! What was happening? No problem, Emily...just make a Plan B. I would work at my internship (Food Lion), take a year off, and reconsider if the CPA was truly my objective. And honestly (in hindsight) as much I was disappointed that my plan wasn't following through, I was more terrified that my control of the situation was not what I anticipated it would be. It wasn't entirely there.

However, my loving God was still going to use me to accomplish his will despite my desire for control and not wanting to disappoint others. The biggest impact spiritually for me during college was our involvement with the Summit Church, the church we attended. The pastor, JD Greear, challenged us with the word each Sunday and desired for the church to be an impact spiritually in the community we lived. He had a special heart for college students and we saw the church thrive and reach out to us right where we were. Also, he challenged us to think missionally. Adam and I had participated in short term mission trips and thoroughly enjoyed them. Giving back to those who had significantly less than ourselves was so rewarding and was a reminder of how much God truly sacrificed for us through his Son. However, JD didn't just challenge us to commit our Spring Breaks or summers to short term missions. He encouraged us to think foreign, broader missions. He would phrase it like this, "If you are a college student and aren't sure what you want to do after graduation, consider two years oversees serving." Well, that was fine and great for "those students". I was not in that group though (or so I thought). I had my plan, so obviously, missions was not for me. But internally, truthfully, I felt a twinge in my heart each time he asked that of us. But I kept adding, what I call now, a "invisible brick" to my wall around serving Christ wherever he desired me to go. There was NO way I would serve on the mission field. Talk about disappointing people!

But God didn't give up. He continued to use situations and people to strengthen that twinge I felt about once a month that I quickly silenced. He used, more profoundly, a mission trip to Brazil that we took our youth group on at our church. We served 10 days with two dear couples and we saw internally into their lives. We saw the ministry aspect and the home aspect, and I was truly shocked to see how "normal" (in a sense) it seemed. They did what God led them to do. They met with people and did Bible studies. They loved them where they were and they made coffee every morning like every normal person does. They were just doing it in another location. God moved me greatly in Brazil, and I began to think - what does that mean for me? I certainly didn't feel "qualifed" for being a missionary. I didn't go to Bible College. Adam didn't go to seminary. And then God opened a very clear door to the path he desired for us - Spain. There were needs at the MK school that we currently serve at. They needed a science teacher and (prepare to have goosebumps) a business manager. Clear as day, God was telling me that I need to take a leap of faith and leave my comforts. I needed to leave the job that I loved, the friends that we loved, and the family that we so loved and did not want to see us go. For two years, we were committing to serving and not earning a dime. Nearly a hundred supporters gave and are supporting us to do the task that God has showed to us presently. And honestly, it has been the hardest task I have ever imagined. I have given up about all the control that I was so desperately trying to maintain, but the loss of that control has produced a life that if far more better than the "good plan" I had. God has used many situations here to show me that prayer and a close relationship to him is worth sacrifices, difficulties, and frustrations. It's worth it to trust in him, because honestly he loves us more than earthly individuals do. He can see beyond tomorrow and next year and knows what our lives can ultimately be if we simply give it to him.

One of my favorite verses is in Colossians and it says, "Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." That verse has meant much to me because at times I felt like - what can I do? I can't do that. But God was telling me - "No. You can with me." 

time & blessings

12 weeks remain until we come upon another big move. Can it really be that two years has passed so quickly? Today, it's hard for me to fathom that our lives here have to start to wrap up in a little less than 3 months. Our families and friends stateside are eagerly awaiting our return, while our kids at school, Spanish friends, ECA family, and co-workers here are constantly asking how long until we return back to Spain.

Despite the difficulty in processing living this life at times, I marvel at the fact of the blessings that God has allowed us to be a part of. He has challenged, stretched, and molded us beyond what I could have imagined and while we gave up a part of our lives to live here, we have gained more that can be described. And as we start to process leaving this life that we've so grown accustom to, it brings a deep sadness on many fronts. I will miss my students and their excitement in learning about credit cards vs. debit cards. I will miss singing hymns in Spanish and listening to a Spanish sermon. I will miss walking everywhere and greeting others with an "hola" and heading out with a "hasta luego". I will miss my Wednesday morning prayer group. I will miss my Spanish/English class with Carmen. I will miss the Spanish plateaus. I will miss mid-day runs with co-workers. I will miss the joy of serving where we are needed.

(and probably as my mother reads this, she's starting to cry and she's saying, "HEY, we've missed you MORE!") All of our family members and friends are saying that...and to be honest as well, we yearn to see them very much. We feel double blessed - blessed to be here but also blessed to go back to see our family and friends once more.

At ECA, 3 of the 4 Friday mornings we have a small chapel service that we start the day off with. At the beginning of the year, we had one of our staff share about how there are times when you take blind steps of faith and put total trust in God. Many times we cling to things and people don't rely on God fully to handle our situation or carry us through a difficult time. He encouraged us to give things to Christ that we were clinging tightly to.

Within my own heart, there were two things that God was desiring 100% that I was too clingy toward: seeing my family daily and climbing the corporate ladder. Now these two things are not bad things, but I had made them too much of a priority in my life. At that moment, I was thankful for my time here but was itching to get back to America, prosperity, family. I wasn't continuing to be fully open for the will God had for my life. So when I gave those two things to God, they were big. I love accounting and the corporate environment. My job back in the States was the best. It wasn't a perfect job but I worked with great co-workers whom I respected. We worked hard together and got along well together as well. I loved what I did. Seeing my family everyday was the hardest though...to give completely to God. Having nieces and nephews and sisters and brothers and parents that you love and have a good relationship make it so hard to be so far away. But deep down, I knew I needed to give that to God completely. Trust him with the path he had for my life.

As I gave those things to God, I found that God used that to open our hearts and confirm that Spain is the location where we desire to serve for as long as God desires us too. Knowing we have to return and begin support raising again, we laid our plans out to God - where you do want us in the States? And honestly, God surprised us greatly. He wants us right back where we were prior to coming to Spain. He opened the door and orchestrated the perfect timing for me to go back to my old job! He's allowing us to be 15 minutes away from both of our families. And while these may seem like small things to others, these things floor me because I gave these to God but he's giving them back to me for a time. Amazing.

What amazing blessings has God done in your life? Are they things that you gave up to him? Have you considered giving up the things you cling so tightly too and see what God can do in your life and with your trust and surrender? It's worth it.